Tammy is so....

26 Sep 2014

Okay...so stepping forward here. This is being shared right now with you my dear ones...a select group of dear friends and family (and probably the whole internet world, as I can't find the privacy settings).

As all of you know (or should know), I have been challenged with depression forEVER. Luckily, I got diagnosed at 18 and started therapy and treatment at that time. Since, them, through years of in and out therapy and meds, I have learned to (most of time) identify triggers and (happily) often rely on medication to help me control the dark cloud in me and bring me back to the center line.

But what only a few of you know for fact, and probably most of you will have an "ah-ha" moment here...I also am challenged by BDD - body dysmorphic disorder. HUGE surprise - not.

First - history: I've known this all along as well..but, I don't want to set blame in the past. I grew up - within me - believing I was never good enough, never pretty/attractive enough, never ever acceptable enough, never had worth, certainly not worth loving. That is what I internalized (read the word "I" there - it is MY internalization, my responsibility, no one else's) and what I have always held as my personal internal talisman...regardless, of what I showed the world, or convinced the world of who I was - that was the song I rocked my heart to sleep with each night. And although, it was diagnosed and identified just as early as my depression, it has never been dealt with. Because...well...I'm hideous (joke!!   um....kind of) ;)

How does this manifest in me - oh, I think I'm smart, funny, clever, a "do-er", responsible, quirky, fun, loving to others. I have a list of positives I can tell you about me. If you know me, you know I STRIVE toward positives in life...in living a positive life...with one exception. What I cringe at / have trouble with are two things a) people trying to love me and b) my appearance. And I know you are wondering what (a) has to do with BDD and (b)...well, I have internalized that I am so hideous WHY would anyone want to love me...my internal thinking - "they shouldn't, they would be "wrong" to care for someone who looks like me". If they care for me, internally, I ask myself "what is wrong with them?". Lovely, eh? Poor Marco... (and notice - when I wrote this, just rereading it right now, I couldn't even write the word "love"...that would be tooo much...tooo presumptuous...too preposterous. Oh man...I shake my head at my own self)

I literally cry when I see pictures of myself. I feel panicky when someone has a camera around me (great in this digital age). Part of the reason Marco and I didn't have a wedding celebration is that I can't deal (as in seriously can't deal) with being the center of that kind of  attention (brides are "supposed" to be beautiful you know) or (Lord forbid) the photography.

I also (internally) hear all compliments as lies. That is why I seriously don't like them. If you tell me you think I'm beautiful (gag - joke...um...again...sort of), have taken a good picture, etc....I (internally - and probably some wisecrack externally) will think you are full of crap. And cringe that you are throwing b.s. at me. Seriously, honestly, I do NOT believe you and YOU can not convince me. So please don't say those things to me.  And this isn't a ploy for petting, I'll usually externally laugh it off with you and walk away. I (usually, normally) won't show the side that is hiding in the corner wishing you would stop looking at me.

Ok...blah blah blah...whatever. Poor me (eyeroll...get on with it). Why am I bringing this up? I had a conversation with the husband last night...and he wishes we would take more photos together (we had only one "real" one...and I deleted it during one of my "OH MY GOSH, I am so ugly. I hate the way I look - delete, delete, delete" nights.). The "stable" side of my brain wishes we would too.Soooo...I am bringing you all in as my support group because my goal is for Marco and I to take one photo a month for the next year (this is literally making me cry...ha! I am sobbing with fear right now. Can you say...um...somewhat unstable, cracked, insane?).

ANYWAY...I don't know if I can post them in Facebook (don't know if I am THAT brave) or just here. But what I would request from each of you are two things - a) just acknowledge you see them and b) please, please, please don't compliment me. Sounds weird...I know. But if I get lots of "you look so blah-blah" I will RUN to the hills. I'm fine with you telling Marco he looks dashing (we all know that anyway) or the tree in the background looks cool...but for now, please, ignore that I am there. Just let me get through this first stage of just being present before we actually really acknowledge that I am there. I would be so grateful.

And I beg of you, please do NOT make an effort to compliment now that you know I don't internally see myself in a positive manner. Doesn't help...as I said, I just hear it as b.s. Just be the the level of normal insanity that you usually are. I thank you.

One last thing, obviously, this is a highly sensitive and personal thing to me...please respect the privacy this deserves in regards to others. I am uncomfortable with this being in front of everyone I/we know and definitely not in front of the world. There are too many misconceptions regarding this subject and people that think they would have the answers (including "just get over it"). This is much harder for me that what you would EVER imagine (something like walking over a cliff without knowing how far the drop is on the other side...but fairly convinced you are going to die regardless). This IS an effort to move past this, to eat the monster one bite at a time (ha! which is funny since I have such an issue with my weight! bahahahaha). Anyway...I hope I have my circle secure and grounded and I have chosen the rocks that I believe you are (as in stable not in the head).

Love you, mean it............seriously........mean it.